Grief – What I’ve Learnt in the First 18 Months

by Greg

Any Tips?

I’m a Justice of the Peace in Western Australia and I volunteer at a signing centre. People come in without an appointment and ask me to witness signatures or to certify various documents.

I’m only rostered on once a month so it isn’t particularly onerous.

The other day, a guy who was probably in his early seventies, came in to ask me to certify some documents for him. He told me straight away that his wife had died and he was sorting out the estate. I offered my condolences and started looking through the papers.

he was bringing home to me that I now did have some experience at this TOTALLY WEIRD phenomenon

As I did so I could see that his wife had died just over one month ago. As I handed the paperwork back I said,

“My wife died about 18 months ago”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Mine was just over a month ago. I’m still … you know?”

“Yes, I do, … me too” I replied.

“Oh! … any tips?”

It was a perfectly sensible thing for him to ask, but it took me totally by surprise. I think up until now I had felt that grief was all very new to me, I didn’t know much about it – but he was bringing home to me that I now did have some experience at this TOTALLY WEIRD phenomenon.

At first I told him that you just have to keep going, then I said that I try to keep busy, and then I thought of something that actually is good advice.

I told him to not cut himself off socially, and to keep engaged with friends. I said that there might be an awkward moment or two at first, but that that goes away very quickly.

He said that that sounded like good advice, he thanked me and he left to let the next client in.

But I kept thinking about his question, “any tips?”

So, here are the things I have learnt about grief so far. In offering them I am acutely aware that everyone responds and handles grief in different ways. And even different ways at different times.

I am very aware that something that I find really useful could be totally dud advice for someone else.

With that in mind here are some things I have learnt since Trenna passed away.

Grief Isn’t Linear

It doesn’t start off really bad and just slowly but surely get better. It goes up and down, and backwards and forwards, and jumps all over the place. It is THE MOST un-linear thing imaginable.

When I feebly told the bloke at the signing centre that “you just have to keep going”, I DIDN’T mean you just push through and get over it. I meant you just have to keep on going, because it’s a long haul.

It’s OK to be Miserable Some of the Time

Some times you are going to feel miserable. You don’t want to go out and see lots of people enjoying themselves. In my view it is OK to just stay at home and just be miserable occasionally, for a while. It is probably better if you can go for a walk in a nice park or do something else you enjoy. But if you don’t want to do that, that’s fine by me.

Hopefully you will realise that that isn’t a sustainable strategy. It isn’t in anyone’s best interests that you stay miserable all the time.

What I’m advocating for here is to occasionally, if you want, to just call time out from the rest of the world.

Keep, or Build Social Connections

I mentioned this above, but thought it worth giving it it’s own section. I know that one thing I feared immediately after Trenna died was that every interaction with someone who knew what had happened would be stilted and awkward.

It doesn’t really work like that. In almost all cases I found the interactions either entirely normal, or just briefly emotional where friends wanted to express their sorrow. The awkwardness is totally ephemeral and not at all worth stressing about.

Go and mix with friends and acquaintances. It’s good for your mental health.

Grief For Your Soul Mate Is Way More Powerful Than ANYTHING You’ve Experienced

I was in my 60s when Trenna died. I have had my Mum die slowly of cancer, my Dad die suddenly, and have had close friends and lots of acquaintances die. I have felt grief many times. I thought I had a fair understanding of what it was like.

Of course I knew that when Trenna went my sense of loss would be greater, but I had NO IDEA of the added magnitude of losing my soul mate.

I once described the difference in intensity of emotion between loosing other people, and loosing Trenna is like the difference between watching the Rolling Stones on TV, and being in the mosh pit, breathing in Ronnie’s smoke and trying to catch Keith’s guitar picks.

No doubt some people will find it strange to use an analogy about joy to describe grief, but that difference in intensity of emotion resonates with me.

The intensity is so, so much more.

I haven’t got any advice about that, just be aware.

Other Grievers Are Happy to Talk

From my limited experience, people who have also lost a partner are willing to talk about it and be understanding of your situation. They know what a horrible situation it is and are going to be happy if they can offer you any support or advice.

You Will Be Less Motivated

In my case I had been Trenna’s carer for many years. The amount of work that involved had increased gradually, but was fairly intense in the last couple of years. After she was gone I did have quite a bit of trouble getting motivated. I have asked some other people and they have experienced the same sort of thing.

It has improved with time but I wouldn’t say my motivation levels are back where they were. I don’t have any advice on changing this, but being aware of it may be useful.

In regard to this I actually do, from time to time think of the song “Ode to Billy Joe”

There was a virus going 'round; papa caught it, and he died last spring
And now mama doesn't seem to want to do much of anything

You Will be Way More Emotional

I find this a bit of a weird one, but nonetheless very real. ALL my emotions seem heightened – and 18 months down the road they still are. Of course sad things make me sadder than I would have thought, funny things make me laugh more than I used to.

Stories on the radio or TV have a much bigger effect on me than they used to. For example, a while ago I heard a recording of the Apollo 11 Moon landing. I knew the outcome, like Trenna, I watched it live on TV all those years ago, and of course have heard and seen it dozens of times over the years. But this time, when the Eagle successfully landed I was teary eyed and very emotional!

Do Talk About Your Partner

I find it useful to talk about my deceased partner. I feel that by mentioning her others can feel that they too can speak about her if they wish. They will know they don’t need to be walking on eggshells.

This Website Keeps Me Busy

I mentioned in the introduction that one of the pieces of advice I lamely offered was “keep busy”. In fact I don’t really know whether that works or not. I do know that that is what I do.

This website is certainly something I do to keep busy. I’m pretty sure that it also helps me feel that Trenna is still a part of my life, but I don’t think this would be a solution for most people.

Decisions Are Harder

I find decision making a lot harder now. In some way it should be easier, I live by myself and have no dependents so I can pretty much do whatever I want. But, it doesn’t seem to work like that. Big decisions and small all seem harder these days. Part of it I’m sure is that I no longer have Trenna to either tell me what to do, or to bounce ideas off.

Harder decision making, like the exaggerated emotions, and the lack of motivation I think are all because the grief is taking such a chunk of your cognitive ability there is less available for those other functions.

Don’t Make Major Decisions For At Least 6 Months

This one is quite a common piece of advice given to grieving people. I know that I wasn’t thinking very clearly, especially in those first 6 months. I very consciously stayed away from major decisions, and I’m glad I did.

Buy a MINI Cooper S

Following on from the previous item, 9 months after Trenna died I bought a second hand MINI Cooper S. That means I now have 3 cars and only two parking bays, so perhaps the 6 month decision amnesty should stretch a bit further!!

On the other hand, it is actually a lot of fun to drive and it has given me quite a bit of joy!

I think that is probably the extent of the things I have learnt about grieving, or at least the extent of the information I am happy to share.

I’m glad that fella asked me “any tips?” because it has got me thinking about the progress I’ve made, which I think is substantial. But, as I already knew, I’ve got a fair way to go.

It is going to take years, and then it won’t be over.